Last time we talked about what boundaries are and why they are important.  Today we will be spending some time thinking about how to know what your boundaries are and how to communicate them to others, as well as how to handle possible responses that you might receive.

One way to know what your boundaries are in a given situation is to think about how you feel when you consider different options.  If you feel completely okay with an option, it is likely within your boundary, whereas if you feel really uncomfortable with an option it is likely outside of your boundary.  Often, options can feel somewhere in the middle, where maybe they aren’t completely uncomfortable but also not something that you are freely giving.  Sometimes this comes up as feeling like you “should” do something but not really wanting to.  These kinds of thoughts can be really important to pay attention to, because they suggest that you might be overstepping one of your boundaries.  We feel best when we do things that we are really comfortable with, so feeling uncomfortable is a red flag.

When you encounter one of these red flags, it can be helpful to consider what leads you to want to take the option even though it makes you uncomfortable.  Do you think you “should”?  Does it seem like the “nice” thing to do?  These are judgments that we sometimes make that can get in the way of us protecting our bodies, emotions, and time.  It can be helpful to remember that just because someone would be happy if you did something, doesn’t mean that you doing it is their right.  Your body, emotional health, and time belong to you, and you can choose what feels okay to give and what does not.  And as we talked about in the last post, this can change depending on the day, person, and situation.  If you decide to break your boundary, think about why you made this choice and if there is some other factor that made breaking your boundary okay in this instance, or if this is a time where it may have been better to hold your boundary.

One way to set boundaries is to say something along the lines of the following:  “I feel _____ when ______.  I need ______.”  An example of this is “I feel violated when you go through my texts.  I need to have privacy when I’m texting my friends” or “I feel tired when I work too late.  I need to leave work by 5pm.”  This is a way to express your need clearly and say the way that not sticking to this boundary affects you negatively.

You could also say your boundary without giving an explanation.  For example, you could say “Please don’t go through my texts” or “I need to leave work by 5pm.”  In some situations, it might feel appropriate to give an explanation, while in others it might be better to state the boundary by itself.  Sometimes when people understand why you need what you are asking for, they are more likely to give it to you, while others will use it as a way to argue (e.g. in the work example, they could argue that the time they want you to leave isn’t too late or that it shouldn’t make you tired, rather than focusing on your need to leave by 5pm).  So deciding to explain or not will depend on who you are talking to at the time.  The most important part is clearly expressing what you need from the other person.

Regardless of how well you set your boundary, people can respond in a variety of ways.  If they respond negatively, it does not mean that you didn’t do a good job of setting the boundary or that you aren’t entitled to the boundary you set.  The boundary can be both difficult for the other person to accept and something that you can and should ask for.  Hopefully the person accepts your boundary and tries their best to do what you ask, but some people also become angry.  Remember that you are setting the boundary for a reason, and that you would not have done so if you didn’t find it necessary.  Keep repeating what you need, without getting into a debate about how legitimate the need is.  You don’t need to explain yourself or respond to the other person’s questions, especially if doing so is not helpful.  Asking for what you need is valid with or without an explanation. 

Here is an example of how you might do this:

Person A:  I have an appointment at 6pm.  I need to leave here by 5pm so I can get there on time.

Person B:  We need you to stay until 7pm.  I won’t be able to find someone to cover for you.

Person A:  I understand that might be difficult, but I still need to leave by 5pm.

Person B:  Can’t you just change your appointment?  It’s probably something that could wait for another day.

Person A:  I need to go to the appointment, and I need to leave here by 5pm in order to get there.

Notice how Person B tries to argue with Person A’s need.  While Person B’s concerns are valid, it doesn’t take away Person A’s need to leave early.  Notice how Person A empathized with Person B’s difficulty but did not change their boundary.  Also notice how Person A did not argue back against the questions Person B was asking, and instead repeated the original boundary.  Person B may not be happy with the boundary no matter how it is presented to them, but presenting it in this way allows Person A to hold their boundary and not get pulled into unnecessary arguments.

I hope that some of this is helpful.  For more easily-read information on boundaries, please visit this web page that I found:  https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries#learn-other-peoples-boundaries-too

Have a great week!