Boundaries: What They Are and Why They Are Important
Boundaries are meant to keep you physically and emotionally safe. They are a way for you to define what you are and are not comfortable with, and the types of behaviors and requests that you feel able to accept from other people. Rather than separating us from others, healthy boundaries allow us to connect with others in ways that feel best. When we don’t have good boundaries, we often feel like we “have to” do something that someone else wants us to do, or that we need to give in to others’ needs at the expense of our own. While it can sometimes feel like we are being “nice” when we do this, it can actually lead to resentment that affects both ourselves and the other person.
“Rather than separating us from others, healthy boundaries allow us to connect with others in ways that feel best.”
You can have boundaries in virtually any area of life, including your physical body, your emotions, and your time, and these boundaries can change depending on the time, situation, and other people who are involved. What feels okay one day with one person might not feel okay on another day and/or with another person.
For example, you might only feel comfortable accepting a hug from certain people. And there might be some days where you don’t want any hugs, including from those people that you are usually okay receiving hugs from. Our boundaries can change based on what we are needing. Things that feel positive in one situation can feel the opposite in another.
Another example is related to time: sometimes you may be able to spend time helping someone, but other times you may be extra busy and therefore might need to protect your time more than usual. You might have felt okay helping someone with a particular task last week, but this week you are so swamped with other things that this same task feels like too much. It is okay and expected that this happens.
Boundaries are important because they protect you and keep you safe. They allow you to feel in control over different aspects of your life, which can help you feel more confident. You are less likely to feel like you are at the mercy of what other people want, because you can more easily see that what other people want can be different from what you actually give them, and that you do not need to feel any guilt about that. You can minimize resentment by only giving when it really feels okay for you.
When we don’t have boundaries or when we are not consistent with keeping them, we can start to feel like we are not in control of our life. This can lead us to feel less like we can make positive impacts on our life or decrease things in our life that feel like a burden. Often, when we are able to see places where we could set boundaries, more ideas for how to fix problems can come up. If we don’t think we can set boundaries or if we don’t even see the opportunity to, we can feel more stuck than we need to feel, and it stops us from being able to think about potential solutions.
Sometimes we learn from things like cultural experiences or family dynamics that setting boundaries is not okay, or that it can harm relationships. But in reality, it helps us to better connect with people, because we are more in-tune with ourselves and our needs and can connect with others in ways that really feel right and authentic. That can help to build closeness and connection.
I hope this post was a helpful introduction to what boundaries are and why they are important. Next time we will talk about how to actually work on setting and keeping boundaries, as well as determining what your boundaries are. In the meantime, think about some areas of your life where you have good boundaries, as well as areas you would like to work on. Have a great week!
