How to Know if It’s Time to Find a New Therapist
There are a lot of choices when you look for a therapist. Some of us have different skills than others, and like everyone else, we have personality traits that may or may not work with yours. To make matters more complicated, therapy isn’t always enjoyable. You should feel that you are benefitting from it, but it is hard work and you won’t necessarily enjoy every minute of it. So how do you tell if therapy is just difficult right now or if your therapist isn’t a good fit? The following are some signs that it may be time to find a new therapist:
You don’t feel comfortable, or you have a hard time building trust. Building trust takes time and is harder for some than for others. This is tricky because it can be hard to tell if we are having trouble building trust due to our own difficulties, or something specific to the person we are speaking with. But generally, we know ourselves, and we can tell if something doesn’t feel right or if it is going to be hard for us to feel comfortable. If you have been seeing a therapist for a while and aren’t feeling comfortable or aren’t building trust, they may not be right for you, regardless of how skilled or knowledgeable they are.
They don’t have the right amount of boundaries. Boundaries are important in any relationship; they help to keep us safe. They are particularly important in the relationship between a therapist and a client, because without the boundaries, we would not be able to do the work that we strive to accomplish. For example, one reason why many people feel comfortable talking to therapists is because we tend not to share much of our own opinions and thoughts. We focus only on you and your experiences. Sometimes knowing someone’s opinions and background can make it harder to confide (think of a time when you haven’t wanted to confide in a friend because you thought they would judge you). It can be important for your therapist to feel “human” to you, but if they tend to share too much, they may not be the right fit.
They interact with you inappropriately. Similar to the point above about boundaries, there are specific ways in which you and your therapist are supposed to interact. It is NEVER okay for a therapist to have a sexual or romantic relationship with a client. Therapists are also supposed to avoid “dual relationships” with clients, meaning that we are not supposed to be friends with clients, business partners with clients, etc. It can blur boundaries, make you feel less comfortable, and generally make things really messy. If your therapist interacts with you in these ways, it is worth considering switching to someone else.
You don’t feel heard, or you feel judged. Hopefully, one of the benefits of having a therapist is that you have a space that is just for you to talk about what you need to talk about and not feel judged. Feeling judged will not work in therapy for obvious reasons. There are many therapists who do not judge, even when inside they have different opinions. You deserve a therapist who can put their own thoughts aside and focus on what is right for you.
The therapist isn’t flexible regarding your goals and how you want to spend your time. Your goals should be just that – your goals. Your therapist may have ideas for goals as well but they should be ones that you agree with. You are paying for your session time, and it should be spent on what is valuable to you. This can get a little tricky too, because part of your therapist’s job is to direct and guide your sessions, but you should feel like what you are working on is of importance to you.
Those are just a few ways to tell if you and your therapist are working well together. My wish for everyone is that they could have a therapy experience where they are working on things that matter to them in ways that are as comfortable and safe as they can be. If you don’t have that, look elsewhere. It can make a huge difference in your wellbeing.
